


After

by thatsoccercoach



Series: After [1]
Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Grief, Loss, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 16:01:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14192610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsoccercoach/pseuds/thatsoccercoach
Summary: Jamie and Claire face a tragic loss together.





	After

**Author's Note:**

> This is not my typical fluff but instead deals with loss. If you’d rather wait for resolution, I’ll be posting part 2 tomorrow and part 3 the day after. If you feel like you can’t read it, sit this one out. It’s ok. If you want to DM me for details to see if you would get something out of reading it, please do. I think it is an important story, not just for the characters, but for all of us.

                                                                                   

Jamie smiled to himself thinking of their last night together before he’d gone to work. Once they’d truly settled in, she’d tangled her legs with his, as if to make it impossible for him ever to leave. Tenderly, he’d wrapped his arms around her, settling his hands so they sheltered the little life that she carried.

He had always felt incredibly blessed, particularly since he’d met Claire, but the last couple of months had been an embarrassment of riches. They’d been able to move to Lallybroch. The girls were thriving in their preschool and with Murtagh caring for them. Claire was loving being at work part-time. Jenny and Ian were also doing well and that knowledge brought an additional peace. And this new bairn filled his cup to overflowing.

But then he received the message.

“Jamie,” read the text. “I need you.”

And his heart plummeted.

* * *

She knew with certainty that after heartache there could follow joy. She looked at the faces of their children and knew that. Two daughters who were thought to be dreams only, now a reality that she could hold in her arms.

Following destruction there would be rebuilding. A structure razed by flame could be reborn from the ashes. She and Jamie had noted this many times as they drove past charred remains of a fire he fought only to find later a new building in its place, stronger than the one before.

When relationships fractured, they could be renewed and a bond created that could overcome all odds. Jenny had spent years waiting for her brother to return home to her. When he had, the joy of their reunion had eclipsed the pain and sorrow of the past.

She knew all of that. Had seen it play out. Had learned about it clinically even. In this moment though, her heart felt only despair.

She’d never _really_ dreamt of Faith because she’d been holding her breath, never daring to dream. She’d had vague hopes for Bree before she knew her, but nothing concrete. This one though. For this one she had dreamed of an entire future together. Of three little ones growing up side by side. Of the three Murray cousins having three Fraser cousins. She may only have known for weeks, but she’d built a future for this little love. A future that had come crashing rudely to the ground with no warning at all.

She thought again of how much she _had_ instead of how much she’d lost. How she and Jamie knew when they married that having children would probably never happen for them. Faith had been miraculous in so many ways, defying both science and reality as they’d known it. Bree was a miracle in her own way too. Just because they had one child didn’t guarantee another and they both knew that well. Yet they’d been granted that gift once more. Her life was an abundance of blessing after blessing, even without this new life.

And for her grief she felt greedy. And selfish.

And heartbroken.

Last night both Faith and Brianna had blessedly gone to bed early. She had curled up on her side clutching the blankets in her fists, willing the the ever-increasing cramping and the pain in her back to cease. With her teeth clenched she had felt discomfort turn to pain and still hoped desperately that by tomorrow evening, when Jamie came home from work, all would be well. Praying that after being off her feet for a while, things would be right again. Knowing all along that they wouldn’t be.

As morning dawned, so did the certainty that things would never be the same.

Feeling as though she’d been beaten, she’d angrily stripped the bed and washed the laundry not wanting to leave any evidence of the event. She’d dressed and fed the girls then showered and dressed herself, each task done by rote. Emotionless at that point, she had even managed to call her doctor. There’d be no more morning sickness to contend with. No longer would the chronic fatigue that plagued her in early pregnancy with each of her children sap her strength. Because she wasn’t pregnant. Not now.

She didn’t really know how she’d gone through her day. Apparently she’d answered the right questions, given the girls the right snacks, and read the proper stories because neither one seemed to know anything was wrong. How could they? She and Jamie hadn’t told anyone yet. But when those two little glimmers of hope and joy went down for naps in the afternoon, Claire went quietly and thoroughly to pieces.

“Jamie?” she texted. She didn’t think she could actually say the words aloud. “I need you.”

* * *

He’d come right away as she knew he always would. She didn’t have to say anything to him. Jamie saw her face and knew. He scooped her up, so carefully, gently, as if he was afraid she’d break. She thought she might. He laid her on their bed and scooted behind her, pressing them together. Softly he spoke Gaelic prayers and endearments into her hair and she felt his tears trickle down her neck.

“I ought to have been here for ye’,” he murmured into the cloud of her curls.

She shook her head slowly. “I was fine,” she whispered. “I wasn’t alone. I had the girls here.”

In his arms he could feel her, tense and rigid. He knew she wasn’t one for words. She responded physically and right now he could feel the intensity just in the way she was lying there with him. Emotions were rolling off her body like clouds spilling over the peak of a mountain. She may not have had a way to describe it, but it was his job to care for her nonetheless. His _privilege_.

“This isna your doing, Sorcha, though ye think it is,” he reminded her.

She shuddered in his arms but said nothing, shed no tears.

“It isna a way that you have failed nor something that you lack,” he soothingly stated.

Silence blanketed them for a moment before she finally spoke. When she did he thought his heart would break with the sincerity and heartbreak he heard in it. “Jamie,” she breathed. “I’m _so_ sorry.”

“I dinna want ye ever to be sorry for this. Dinna say yer sorry for a new soul that is, _was_ ,” he stumbled over the words that were pouring out now.

“ _Is_ ,” she insisted firmly, beginning to allow herself to feel again.

He turned her toward him and gently ran his finger along her jaw causing her to look him in the face. “A new soul that _is_ our child. Claire,” his voice was husky with emotion. “Dinna apologize for sharing something wonderful with me just because it ended too soon.”

 

 

[Image source](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/470344754827171345/)


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